Friday, October 29, 2010

Introducing the 2011 Bathsheba...by james robert

Ladies and gents
This is no amoeba
We proudly introduce
The 2011 Bathsheba

This year's model
Isn't for the wimps with no balls
With 1200 horse power
This mother hauls

It'll do zero to eighty
While you're still looking for your keys
Then coasts at 150
So kids, buckle up please

It's trimmed in Asian Walnut
And fine Corinthian Leather
Extremely aerodynamic
And light as a feather

Forget stopping at the gas station
If you want to keep this baby purrin
It doesn't run on gasoline
It only runs on urine

So when Johnny is screaming
And holding his wee
Just pull over folks
Let the kid pee

If you're running on empty
And no one has to go
Stop at Murphy's Pub
Must be someone there you know

The Bathsheba comes standard
With a modest rock stage
And with the fully staffed beverage center
This unit is all the rage

I know, you thinking
Wow, this is really, really great
But with all these fine amenities,
There must be at least a two year wait

Well, you would be wrong, high octane breath
C'mon down, the test ride is free
And if the tank's on empty,
Worry not, someone's always got to pee


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/introducing-the-2011-bathsheba/#ixzz13mcgbjeI

Bethany's Appliance City...by james robert


no need for a gamey shirt
to be sportin
or thrice worn nickers
while you're doin some courtin
a broken washer is a major pity
welcome neighbor; to appliance city

washer broke?
dryer broke?
stove broke?
you broke?
we don't care
they're headed to Bethany's from everywhere

we have every major brand
most with scratches and dents
we're open 24/7
so hurry in ladies and gents

no money, we don't care
no job, we don't care
no credit, we don't care
can't sign the loan paperwork,
whoa default breath, we care

our crack staff
will get ya financed on the spot
we need to move the inventory,
this stuff is really hot

at Bethany's we never charge for delivery
so there you'll save a buck
it's delivered in the middle of the night
in a '56 chevy truck

just inside our huge warehouse,
you'll see the giant portrait of our C.E.O. and founder
he's currently doin 5 to 10
the Feds got em when he started to flounder

we've been servin the metro area now
since a week ago last sunday
we pride ourselves on customer service
well, except for those folks on monday

hurry down to appliance city
sears and roebuck, we're not
our friendly staff is always cool
and our merchandise always hot

dedicated to Bethany, fall, 2010

The Jack-O-Matic by Horner...by james robert


Horner proudly presents
The amazing Jack-O Matic
Folks, this rascal's a keeper
And won't end up in the attic

It has 112 speeds
It slices,dices and purees
With its patented uranus battery
It will keep running for days

In turns an entire buffalo
Into bouillon in just a minute
But frankly Scarlett, we couldn't care less
What you actually put in it

It'll crush ice
Or it will do the dishes
It will make come true
Most of your culinary wishes

It will liquefy and grate
Or just nip off the edges
It will scrub the kitchen floor
Or trim the driveway hedges

This technological marvel
Will shred, grind or blend
And before you can say, jack horner
It'll become your home's best friend

It cleans your household carpets
Gets rid of unsightly warts
Does most of the kid's homework
Including their book reports

It will mash your spuds
Or make them au gratin
It also acts as a blender
I had almost forgotten

For all this great blendage
Would $99.00 be too steep a fee
Well I hope your sitting down folks
For the next hour, this will almost be free



Dedicated to jack horner


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/the-jack-o-matic-by-horner/#ixzz13mZUlPkv

i wrote a poem...by james robert

i wrote you a love poem
in words that were my own
if only you could have read it
to know my heart's your home

it told of love most pure
love honest and strong
it spoke only the truth
enveloped in loving song

it shared moments precious
as only one in love can tell
since i got lost in your eyes 
and into heaven fell 

it spoke in words of love
words straight from my heart
it said in words that lovers use
that loving you is art

i hope you would have loved
my words of joy and pain
that spoke only of my love
and sought naught else to gain

i pray you would have smiled
or maybe you would have cried
as you read of love that heaven sent
and of loneliness that died

i wish you had bathed 
in the love i sent your way
i've never waxed more lovingly
as i love you more each day

oh how i wish you had read
the poem i wrote today
but as i ran to deliver it 
a fierce wind blew it away

'tho now my words of love to you
are to the ends of the earth scattered
each time the wind whispers your name
you'll know how much you mattered



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIziImQvMnk

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

the golfer...by james robert


Old tom was a fair country golfer.
A lover of the game was he.
His foursome was preparing to hit,
off the very first tee.

Old tom was addressing his ball.
as a funeral procession drove by.
He removed his cap, covered his heart,
and looked up into the sky.

The other three men in the foursome,
saluted old tom thru their tears.
Then old tom said,"what the heck,
I was married to her for 43 years!"


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/the-golfer/#ixzz13cmyGINS

The Road Remembered...by james robert


Too many miles spent
with wheel in hand;
though small towns and
farmland found my heart.

Too many nights spent
not alone, but lonely;
in different rural environs,
where I'd too often been before.

Too many mornings I'd awaken
forgetting where I had anchored.
Wishing I was anywhere other
than at commerce's service.

Too often if present company
was offensive, dull and boring;
I need look not farther
than the rear view mirror.

Though the beauty, freedom and
solitude make memory smile ever,
the loneliness and tedium
leave a most bitter taste yet.

james robert
September 26, 2010


Viagra Falls...by james robert


the nuptials finally complete
it was time for the honeymoon
the Mrs. and i arrived at the Falls
shortly after noon

i was honeymooning late in life
and not one to take a chance, sir
so i chugged down nearly a gallon
of a well known male enhancer

from inside our deluxe cabin
we could see much of the falls
and hear the crash of water
echoing off our bedroom walls

from inside my relaxed fit Levi's
something certainly was amiss
i think it was just my orchis
swinging first that way; then this

at night, moonshine on the water
was the greatest source of glee
moonbeams gaily dancing
on silver shining sea

now, a single gonad
had worked itself quite free
and was lying on the carpet
defiantly staring back at me

it was a beautiful full moon
that lit rushing sea and sod alike
ya know, it just occurred to me
i may never again ride a bike

the stars also came out to play
in the way that stars will do
i kept looking at that family jewel
as it and i, turned blue

well, as the night turned into day
i cared less and less about the falls
i was getting a case of tunnel vision
i couldn't stop thinking about my ballocks

mid morning brought with it
more bad news in a big hurry
for my other rock went missing
now i was really beginning to worry

for here i was on my honeymoon
at the world famous Viagra Falls
and me and the mrs. were on all fours
in hot pursuit of my recalcitrant pudenda

james robert
summer 2010


Welcome Down To Entitlement Town...by james robert


Welcome down to entitlement town
Where everything is free
I've a hunch there's no free lunch
But let's keep that from the ruling bunch

Welcome down to entitlement town
We know that we can't fail
We have tons of steak and lobster
Hell, we're eating it by the pail

Welcome down to entitlement town
We're having our annual sale
If you've always wanted what's mine
You need only wait a minute, pal

Welcome down to entitlement town
This is heaven for you and me
If you long for the way it used to be
Cram it Bozo, now it's free

Welcome down to entitlement town
Hey wait, this just can't be
The bill has just arrived
And none of this stuff was free

Welcome down to entitlement town
Where all the shops are closed
A zillion public jobs got filled
Boy did we get hosed

Welcome down to entitlement town
Where we snoozed at the switch
They stole it all in broad daylight
Yes, it went without a hitch




The Blind Date...by james robert


We agreed to meet at a little dump
On the wrong side of midnight
We were the only two in the joint
I gave her a kiss
God I hate it when a woman chews tobacco

When the bar closed we took a walk
My briefs were way too tight
We drank cheap wine and ate Spam
I kissed her again
God I hate Spam

She invited me back to her place
We slept in the back seat listening to a m radio
In the morning, she and the battery were dead
I walked home in the rain
God I hate blind dates


oh lady...by james robert


oh lady love
say it's so
say it's okay
say maybe
but don't say no
say why
say let's try
say take my hand
and let's to heaven fly
but don't say bye

oh lady fair
please tell me true
that you love me
as i love you
that winds are calm
that skies are blue
that one plus one
not equal two
if one plus one
is me and you

oh lady mine
come walk with me
oh heart's delight
come talk with me
be the first to know my day
to share your heart
to ever stay
be with me
as you may
be with me ever
and one day

Of late night promises to self...

by james robert

Too many midnight vows to oneself made,
fade away as dew in morning's light;
more I fear, than  grains of sand,
on every earthly shore.

Too many great and true bargains struck,
between one's mind and heart at lonely hours;
vanish as do the heaven's brightest stars,
at sunlight's daily and certain ascent.

Too many great voyages planned for self,
at late night's dim but steady burning lamp;
become the shore's broken twisted driftage,
or rest finally and forever on ocean's floor.

james robert
October 4, 2010


Miracles

by james robert

miracles are in the air
miracles are everywhere
miracles are big and small
miracles are for us all

some miracles keep us from danger
like the outstretched arms of a stranger
some miracles untie a tether
and thus we feel light as a feather

a miracle might be
for little girls and boys
that jolly ole fat guy
with a sleigh full of toys

or a loved one you feared
had fallen into harms way
here with you enjoying
one more precious day

a miracle might be
the blind that now see
the deaf that now hear
the sad filled with glee

a miracle might be
a smile or kind word
or once more enjoying
a flower or a bird

some miracles give us perfect love
a gift that was sent us from above
some miracles handle things mundane
like a dry seat in the pouring rain

james robert
august 20, 2010


Madison Avenue

by james robert
just a pinch
between your cheek and gums
and you'll have a tighter tummy
and world class bumms
the miracle elixir
is finally here
hey queue up folks
the line forms to the rear

lose your job?
mortgage too high?
mix an ounce or two
in your chicken pot pie

credit card blues?
rising union dues?
want a full head of hair?
or a better night's snooze?
now in easy to swallow gel
whatdaya got to lose?

car won't start?
don't even have a ride?
or your lover's getting icy?
maybe someone on the side?
just a capful in your coffee
just an ounce in your tea
you'll be getting yours
are you kidding me?
james robert
October 7, 2010


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/madison-avenue/#ixzz13cTQ7q00

Lorraine, the rain, the pain...

by james robert

I clumb up a pea vine
to visit Lorraine;
on a rainy fall evenin,
just to ease my pain.

I clumb up a pea vine
as fast as I could.
If memory served me well,
she looked awfully good.

I had met her at a facility
for the tad bit deranged.
There the plans for our trist,
painstakingly arranged.

I clumb up a pea vine
one foot at a time.
I prayed Lorraine's lips
soon would meet mine.

She was sequestered
on the 73rd floor.
She, no bull goose loony,
I was fairly sure.

I clumb up a pea vine
to get me some lovin.
But half way up the vine,
there's pushin and shovin.

Seems our quiet rendezvous
was for more than two this time.
Even in the darkness and the rain,
I counted one hundred forty-nine.

I clumb down a pea vine
with caution ever growin;
the rain goin sideways;
wind increasingly blowin.

I clumb down a pea vine
with far too many others.
I'd would be anywhere else,
if I had my druthers.




Just Saying

by james robert

I can say
hey
nice day
can you come out to play

I can say
hi
let's try
i'll show you how to fly

I can say
please stay
it's our day
let's find a way

I can say
no lie
it is i
give us a try

But no matter if i cry
or how hard i try
i can't find the words
to say goodbye

james robert
summer, 2010


jus speculatin

by james robert

'course i'm jus speculatin
'bout what's goin on
so much needin fixin
yet without a magic wand

most times i'm thinkin
'bout the u s of a
mostly reminiscin
'bout a kinder gentler day

'n if nothin's shakin
anytime real soon
i might crank up the old buick
and just fly me to the moon

james robert
September 27, 2010


if i had a magic wand...

by james robert

if i had a magic wand
for just a day or two
there would be so many changes
for there's so much work to do

most non-violent offenders
would be fined and released from prison
and all laws would be adjudicated as written
not just based on whim or political decision

i'd drastically lower the income tax
and put fiber in Fruit Loops
i'd say "up yours" to wars
and bring home all the troops

i'd immediately enact term limits
for the whole of washington, d.c.
what a difference this would make
in terms of productivity and honesty

no one would get a penny that he hadn't earned
but we would make available food, clothing and a bed
so the basics would be handled
and none of the needy would come up dead

i would stop sending millions of dollars overseas
to people who wished we were dead
and only send help to our friends
and friends of friends instead

i'd take the now available military
and have them help restore order
a good place for them to start
might be at our southern border

we would still have immigration
and let many good folks in
but keep the killers and gangsters out
sounds to me like we all win

there's so much that needs to be done
surely the above and beyond
for the list is really endless
if i had a magic wand

james robert
September 27, 2010


Identity Theft...by james robert

What if they stole my identity
and quickly ran to the bank,
inquired about my accounts
and found that I was in the tank?

What if they delved deeply
into who I really am,
only to discover
that I'm actually on the lam?

What if they stole my identity
and immediately gave it back?
Couldn't that be considered
the rudest personal attack?

What if they continued pilfering
more and more of my life?
Shouldn't they then be forced
to also take my ex-wife?

What if they stole my identity
through some nefarious scam,
then quickly deleted me
and reported me as spam?


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/identity-theft/#ixzz13bsqemdB

I never saw it coming

by james robert
I said hi
She said bye
I said hey
She said no way
She said dutch
I said I'll pay
And so it went all day

I said black
She said white
She said day
I said night
She said stay
I took flight
And so it went all night

She said you're tardy
I said let's party
She acted hurt
I played the flirt
She began to cry
I ate more pie
Of course I say this tongue and cheek
And so it went all week

I ordered mine with the works
Hers was ordered plain
She said it was a sunny day
I said it looks like rain
I said we were quite a pair
She said she didn't care
So I took her for my wife
And thus it went all my life


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/i-never-saw-it-coming/#ixzz13bsS0PPn

Poetcatraz...The Rock...by james robert

 

"I guess they're sending
only the worst offenders here now.
I'm here for poor rhyming and
excessive alliteration.
I got 5-10, how bout you?"

          "I got 15 to life for three counts of using
          iambic pentameter with a known thespian."

"Verily!"

          "Forsooth!!!"
james robert
October 2, 2010


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/poetcatrazthe-rock-1/#ixzz13bs6Jar4

Priorities

by james robert

"READY, AIM,...WAIT. WHAT IS IT NOW?"

          'don't i get a last request?'

"OKAY,OKAY, WHAT IS IT?"

          'before you shoot me, kin i have a smoke?'

"GOOD GOD MAN, WE'RE IN A SCHOOL ZONE!"

July 24, 2010


Where's the meat?

by james robert

I arrived home from the market
And had just parked my car
Only a few steps to my door
Not really that far

When I espied some young toughs
Wearing lean hungry looks
All schooled in the streets
None taught by the books

Before I could even begin
To say hey
They had purloined my sirloin
And were well on their way

So I dropped all my goods
Running in hot pursuit
Like a bloodhound on steroids
I followed their route

Down street after street
Pounding my feet
After the thugs
After my meat

Well, I finally caught them
And knew life was fair
Because their goose was cooked
And my sirloin still rare


I'm Here Baby

by james robert

Wish I could wrap my heart around your soul;
let you scream and cry until you feel whole.
And have you realize how much I care.
That I'm not going anywhere;
any time soon,
ever.

james robert


Game Tied...by james robert

 

wouldn't it be a pity
wouldn't it be a shame
if they threw a war
and nobody came

the six o'clock report
would be crying the blues
"score still knotted at zero"
would be the breaking news

wives, kids, husbands and dads
wouldn't be apart
nor would we have a loved one
nursing a broken heart

who could possibly be against
a war that never even got going
maybe the haliburtatious types
whose coffers are overflowing

wouldn't it be a pity
wouldn't it be a shame
if they threw a war
and no one dressed for the game


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/game-tied/#ixzz13bkGI1OK

Theodora

by james robert
Throw mama from the train, a kiss,
for this lovely lady, I do so miss.
This beautiful, kind, and gentle bird,
through example, taught love of the written word.

With the best, she could turn the other cheek,
while her heart beat no faster.
A wonderful trait, indeed,
that I've yet to master.

She'd sing while making breakfast,
if the truth be told.
After Theodora was born,
God threw away the mold.

Though your ascent to heaven,
should not be occasion for tears.
I still miss you so,
after these eight plus years.

Hardly a day passes without me saying,
"Theo would have liked this too".
Oh Theo, you gentle soul,
how I do love you!
Leslie Moorly
July 17, 2010
For my mom, Theo


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/theodora/#ixzz13bgNgz9Y

Jamie Marie

by james robert

Oh Jamie Marie
where do I start,
with a daughter so loved;
a huge piece of my heart?

Oh Jamie Marie, oh Jamie Marie,
happy two years of sobriety.
You've located the wagon.
You're slaying the dragon.
I'm as proud as a dad can be.

Oh Jamie Marie,
dare I say,"oh boy"?
My tears today,
are tears of joy!

You have a story to tell,
for you have answered the bell.
I can see your smiles,
across all the miles.
You have surely escaped from hell!

Happy two year anniversary,
to my Jamie so loving and kind.
I love you more than you'll ever know,
and you are always on my mind.


August 1, 2010
For my daughter Jamie; drug free for 2 years!



Summertime

by james robert
Take a walk
Go for a run
Get out of the house
Have some fun

Go on a picnic
Take a ride
Or one more turn
Down the water slide

Act the tourist
Take in the view
Get around town
See what's new

The long winters
Make us all stale
Get out and about
Find a yard sale

Be a passenger
If you've had a few
Don't take the wheel
Just enjoy the view

Do your own thing
What you can afford
It's all good
Except, "man overboard"

Enjoy your summer
But don't forget
As day becomes night
Enjoy a sunset


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/summertime-2/#ixzz13bSDbGEW

Strange eyes

by james robert
i look in your eyes, i want to cry
i say my goodbyes, i could almost die
i look in your eyes, and see the sky
or the blue of mom's blueberry pie

i look then again, and see love and sharing
another look reveals, so much caring

i look again in your eyes
and say, "my gosh they're blue"
and you say, "excuse me mack, do i know you?"
james robert
September 10, 2010


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/strange-eyes/#ixzz13bQMRtEM

soit'- en- lee...by james robert 

 

rub-a-dub-dub

three men in a tub

named Larry, Moe and Curly

they shared a gallon of Pinot Noir

and man did they get squirrelly


Leslie Moorly
July, 2010


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/soit-en-lee/#ixzz13bN3gd2l

Shifting Gears

by james robert
Do we too often drive thru life in fifth gear
Missing so much of what we hold dear
And through fear clutch the wheel
With hands moist and fingers of steel

Do we race past roses
Poised for a smell
In hot pursuit of illusions
Sent surely from Hell

Do we swerve to avoid baggage
From some other season
Or lower the visors
To blind us to reason

Do we fly down life's left lane
With radio blaring
Fleeing the pain
Escaping the sharing

Do we dare drive more slowly
And not attempt to pass the fear
Nor risk seeing more beauty
In a lower gear

Do we dare also open the windows
Let escape the fears
Watch as the demons slowly vanish
In our rear view mirrors


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/shifting-gears/#ixzz13bMP7AFX

RULES TO LIVE BY...by james robert

 

don't fold
spindle or mutilate
drive fifty-five
but don't be late

look both ways
buckle up
you guys playing sports
wear a cup

do unto others
tie your shoes
don't be a gossip
pay your dues

be a volunteer
don't drive too near
pay your taxes
each and every year

don't drink and drive
don't eat then swim
don't sass the boss
on a silly whim

give a hoot
be sure to vote
sit, don't stand
when you're in a boat

say please and thank you
forgive a friend
keep off the grass
let fences mend

don't look directly
into the sun
stretch your muscles
before each run

fake it 'til you make it
don't pick the flowers
brush and floss
and take daily showers

remember please
what  must get done
then smell the roses
and have some fun


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/rules-to-live-by/#ixzz13bLR2aVw

Greater Love...by james robert

Greater love hath none other
Than that which I profess to thee
To feast again on your beauty
I'd swim the deepest sea

I'd climb the highest mountain
To share a spot of tea
To bask in those eyes of yours
Fills my heart with glee

And if there's no rain tomorrow
I'll probably call by three
But that's assuming of course
That there's no sports on tv


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/grater-love/#ixzz13bJC16pM

false rise and fall

by james robert
soul is sold
for glory's gold
it's nothing's lie
however bold

games played
yes they are
neath day's sun
and evening's star

if others jeers
feed your fears
you'll reckon false
of smoke and mirrors

games played
we all know
the question is
how far you'll go

driest seed
the greatest need
strongest hunger
the most corrupt deed

games played
prepare to fall
it get's not some
but get's them all
james robert
October 21, 2010


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/false-rise-and-fall/#ixzz13bC7P3rw

Fair Day

by james robert

A morning sea of grass
Alit by sun and dew

A day overflowing
With what you love to do

An evening sky ablaze
With ever abundant hue

And you


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/fair-day/#ixzz13arN74mw

Devilish Business

by james robert

begemed lies of the cleverest hue
adorning easels so numerous
as though paintings anew
that the fewest do see
yet so many view
that the truth
is replaced
without
ado



dare we?

by james robert

a heart
wondering
these far shores
a heartbeat
that raps
on kindred's doors
a smile
a word
that look in your eyes
a moment
an instance
when you realize

that this is it
oh heart be still
this has love's taste
this has love's feel
this is fate
this is really real
then take my hand
take my heart
take my each
and every last part

make no promises
take no vow
live in the present
love me now
love me madly
or not at all

and i shall give
more than i find
i'll give
my heart
my body
my mind
for it's my goal
as you must know
to give my all
my very soul

for i had eyes
that did not see
and i
of a heart
that did so flee
i who doubted
that it could be
now see love
when i see thee
i now see one
where's you and me

so you and i
that do so care
yes you and i
one heart to share
yes you and i
to heaven fly
yes you and i
if we dare

james robert
October 13, 2010


Of the Father...by james robert


i came
i saw
i conquered not
they found me in a vacant lot

abused and hurt
thrown in the dirt
badly beaten
yet broken not
they took all
yet nothing got

my body thin
my clothes torn
yet on my face
a smile worn

i'm not from here
i'm not of fear
i'm all of us
i shed no tear

i have nothing
i have it all
i have love
i love you all




E's Journey

by james robert

fueled by continual grief
born of rape and sundry abuse
years spent in quiet resignation;
false imprisonment;
hate's target too often;
dreams dare not dreamt

like so much wind borne dust;
cottony wispy fragments of hope
scattered to sanity's farthest limits
held captive thus in waftful repose
'til nature's envoys of wind and rain
restore fertile hopes to futile sod

her faithful soul ever nourished
by universe's great creator
even as passed hopes
now tomb's frequent residents
even as past co-travelers
poison her body and mind

unsurprised to see her fly
she of purest, kindest spirit
she of great wit; quick of mind
to wilderness where souls go
looking for answers in every atom
searching once more for bright peaceful days
combing the strata for love's joyous nights
inspecting old lies to find new truths

james robert
October 17, 2010


i journey now

by james robert

i journey now to see the Man
to hear his words
to know the plan

i journey now to see the Man
to hold once more
his loving hand

i am one who's lost his way
too many times
not just this day

they say He is of the light
to show the way
to show what's right

yes He of simple glory
sent by the Father
to tell the story

may i then learn how to cope
absent the fear
with the hope

may i once and finally know
that from these seeds
great faith can grow

let me give from heart to many
to choose but charity
if i choose any

i journey now to see the Man
i travel quickly
fast as i can

i journey now to see the Man
before he's banned
in my homeland
james robert
October 22, 2010


Emergency In The Sky

by james robert

Chicago Center
This is Phantom seven niner two
If we don't get fuel quickly
I don't know what we're going to do

Roger seven niner two
I'm sure that we can help you
What is your position
We'll let you know what we can do

Roger Chicago
We're 150 miles west north west
Flying VFR, heading 120
Please do your best

We've got radar contact
Seven niner two
Maintain current heading
Here's what we'll do

We've scrambled a refueler
It's our quickest, best bet
You'll see her shortly
And she'll get you all set

Roger and thanks Chicago Center
You have put this old cargo plane at ease
Without the right stuff
We'd be landing in the trees

Phantom seven niner two
This is Major Sally Porter
We're pulling up on your port side
We're here to take your order

Tally ho Porter, we'll have six deluxe burgers
Half with cheese
And three large fries
If you please

Roger seven niner two


London Fog

by james robert

while walking his dog and wearing a raincoat
made by London Fog,
he lost that dog
in a bog; in the London fog.

continuing to walk through that bog,
in the fog, searching still for his lost dog,
he encountered a hungry lady
from some dating blog.

she was cold and wet from the fog in the bog,
so around her shoulders he draped his London Fog,
just as she confessed to have eaten
his lost dog, in the fog, in the bog.

now residing in that self same bog, in the fog,
is a half eaten dog,
the body of a woman from a dating blog,
and his now abandoned London Fog.


July, 2010


Customer Service

by james robert
"Welcome to Burger Thing, may I take your order?"
    
          "May I have a Mendthees Double Wacker with fleas?"

"Sorry sir, this is Burger Thing, not Mendthees."

          "Well then, I'll have a Pig back."

"Sorry sir, this is Burger Thing, not McConnels."
"We are the home of the Flopper, Double Flopper and Triple Flopper."

          "I see. I'll have a Triple Flopper with fleas, a large order of  flies and  the FQ  I Scream special."

"Sorry sir, this is Burger Thing, not Fairy Queen. We don't have an FQ I Scream special."

          "I see. Well then, I'll pass on the Triple Flopper with fleas and the large order of flies. Just give me an FQ I Scream special."

"Nuts?"

          "I beg your pardon."

"You want nuts on your FQ I Scream special?"

          "Oh, sure."

"Twelve bucks even. Please pull ahead."

Communication 101

by james robert
sup?
          hey!
yada, yada, yada.
          blah, blah, blah.
know watt i'm sayin?
          totally dude.
i hear ya!
Leslie Moorly
July 20, 2010


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/communication-101/#ixzz13adfLfy0

Committment

by james robert

" READY, AIM, ...WAIT! BEFORE THIS FIRING SQUAD DISPATCHES YOUR SORRY ASS TO HELL FOR ETERNITY, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON"T WANT A SMOKE?"

          'no thanks, i'm trying to quit.'

July 24, 2010


choices

by james robert

when you're down
or down and out
or without
or without clout
you can shout
or shout out
or bail
or bail out
you can save
or save face
or feel
or feel safe
you may fall
or fall down
or climb
or climb out
you may win
or win big
or lose
or lose all
it's really
your call


Chinatown

by james robert

Ever have one of those days? On my way home from the airport, I was supposed to pick up Vivian, the love of my life, but I had just flown in from the "coast", on the red eye. I just can't fly coast to coast all night anymore; like I could when I was younger. I picked up the phone to call her and noticed that there was a message from her, so I listened to it. It was a week old. She told me to buzz off. She had taken our life savings and run off with a few musicians; the East Brunswick Philharmonic-the slut. Well who needs her anyway?

I decided to have a couple of grape Nehis, unwind and check my emails. My car had been repossessed, I had been excommunicated from my new church, Bob's church and shoe repair, and the Mob wanted ten large for the vig on my gambling debt. I had a dollar forty-seven in cash, and a buy one get one free coupon from The Rice Palace in Hong Kong. Life was trying to take a bite out of my posterior. Fat chance; the bite, not my posterior. Alright, maybe a little bit.

Decided to eat something. That usually makes me feel better. Not much here to eat, Vi must have been chewing as she was walking out of the building. I checked the pantry and all I found was what appeared to be meat in an unmarked, undated tin can. I guess the fact that it was in a tin can, should have been warning enough, but I had been flying all night. I put the can back in the pantry and checked the fridge. It's sole occupant was what might be described as an elementary school science project gone bad. It was then that the front door came crashing down and an army of SWAT looking types wrestled me to the floor wanting to know where the drugs and weapons were and telling me I had the right to remain silent.

I knew I should have stayed on the coast. Chinatown always kicks my butt!

james robert
september 23, 2010


Certainly Not...by james robert


She hollered in a whisper
As the voiceless often do
"I love your positively negative
Noncommittal point of view"

Well I was completely floored
I must confess
It didn't bother me at all
As I ran down the banister
And slid down the hall


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/certainly-not/#ixzz13aaddxRW

cart wheelers

by james robert

Remember when motor vehicles
only scared us in the street?
Now you've got to watch your back,
weighing fruit or selecting meat.

Went to the local grocery store
to do my weekly shopping,
and these little old ladies in their eighties,
really kept me hopping.

There's gangs of seasoned citizens,
sans leather and Harley tattoo.
Speeding around in motorized carts,
just gunning for me and you.

While doing my usual perusal
of the coupons, and thinking how nifty,
some gray haired guy went flying by;
must have been doing fifty!

So please look both ways,
whether selecting eggs or ham.
If a gang in gray is headed your way,
just hide behind the Spam.

California Dreamin

by james robert

While I and my amigos
Caroused in L.A. one night
We encountered a wine crazed pugilist
Just itching for a fight

The biggest hombre among us
Eager to scratch that itch
Got in the boxer's face
Saying only, 'sup bitch

In an instant the boxer was on him
Like white on rice
But before our amigo could utter, "no mas"
he was in the market for stitches and ice

We who witnessed that sad exhibition
Could read the graffiti on the wall
This wasn't the life for us
Not the life at all

So we packed up the Chevy van
Headed south to Escondido
And opened an Asian Mexican restaurant
Called the San Dong Burrito

Busted

by james robert
 
I don't want to beat a dead horse
Or burst your bubble
I don't want to rain on your parade
But there comes a point in time
When this becomes old hat
And needs to be dropped like a bad habit
You need a clean slate
The ball's in your court
So fish or cut bait

"Okay sir, we're with the Department Of  Hackneyed Cliches
And you're busted
Drop the mouse
Slowly back away from the computer
Keep your hands where we can see them
You have the right to remain silent..."


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/busted/#ixzz13aZ8ijbU

Bottom Line

by james robert

When all the extraneous baloney
is washed away by the rain,
and when every useless this and that,
is finally down the drain,
it's then that we realize,
that only the absence of love,
can ever give us real pain.


Blatant Intolerance

by james robert
Let's see, I'll have mine with um
      hot fudge
      nuts
      whipped cream
      and a cherry

Okay buddy, you're outta here


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/blatant-intolerance/#ixzz13aW4MuNZ

better to have loved...

by james robert

warm breezes
blue skies
weigh anchor
clear eyes

hearts meet
ancient ties
spontaneous combustion
fire flies

we sing
we dance
we laugh
we try

we slip
we fall
we break
we cry

hearts depart
severed ties
fire extinguished
love dies

cold wind
dark skies
set sail
red eyes

July, 2010


behold

by james robert

Damn the blindness of routine's hasty pace,
stay and taste blessings; abundant and glorious.
Behold again with eyes unbiased and wide,
nature's splendid buffet; making princes of paupers.

Savoring innocence and awe in the eyes of a child,
or the sun's arrival or departure in spell-binding skies.
Finding beauty in the pen of a lover of words,
or marveling at nature's canvas in any season.

We will as we wish, on our brief journey here;
for we each are the sole proprietor of that enterprise.
When our final chapter is written, and epilogue's ink dry,
will any among us say they saw too much beauty?

james robert
October 1, 2010


beauty abounds

by james robert

last eve's sunset seized my fancy
when good fortune joined pure chance
as a westward glance mesmerized me
at moment unique and heaven granted

colors all of dark most aspect
reds and golds and divers blues
surely painted there by genius
to delight every willing eye

beauty abounds on our earthly plane
to an eye that sees where it looks
unencumbered by haste and fear
heaven's enchantments visit daily

james robert
September 28, 2010


autumn's prayer

by james robert

flew the early years of selfishness
and witlessness and tireless idling
blinding my eyes to greater gifts

too many tears and too much fear
far too much chaos; i knew no better
years most lean of pelf and spirit

with life's autumn in mid-season form
and i of wit greater than many a rock
eyes and senses from sleep, now awaken

so come hither beauty of earth and sky
and humankind's gentle loving embrace
as mine heart, eyes and mind open truly

direct me to the gifts of joy and beauty
of peace and calm and moments loving
of warmest touch,  given and received

let me then be the kindred most spirit
lamp in the window and log on the hearth
with a gift for the least of earthly guests

to give freely with motives purest
seeking solely the joys of giving
seeking merely two gladdened hearts

james robert
October, 2010

autumn loving by james robert


of purest heavenly hopes and dreams
on earth's sodden remote paths to share
of nature's annual arboreal light show
consumed by two of manner fair

 of love's promise to stay the winter
and share both hearth and heart
of intimate's quiet candle lit nights
and warmest love; imitating art

of wishes and truths spoken and tacit
carved in stone by moonlight's trance
of lust's ever unquenchable madness
and love's warmest afterglow dance

of love's embrace to quiet fall's chill
and room here enough only for sharing
of hearts' promise to forever be true
made solely by cupid's best pairing


An Autumn Snapshot

by james robert
path along the bluffs
of a lake called great
many faces to display
sundry shades of green
ever losing daily battles
to hues warm and various
faded yellows to vivid red
set afire by the sun's rays
but here too is much blue
of deep fresh lake and sky
where green veiled never
'n more each passing day
as summer retreats and
autumn's banner flys 'til
winter takes the baton
some months hence
james robert
September 25, 2010


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/an-autumn-snapshot/#ixzz13aMfSiCq

An Angel's View

by james robert
from my nest up on high
in the heavenly sky
i watch as they scurry
as often they hurry
to quickly live and die

with their well trained two eyes
focused on God's blue skies
even if they must cheat
they will not miss a beat
they think themselves so wise

using such as they know
to then give it a go
and then wide of the mark
while still lost in the dark
they miss the greatest show
james robert
August 8, 2010


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/an-angels-view/#ixzz13aMIvs00

 

My Love...by james robert

oh how i ache to hold you near
in summer and winter of every year
in love abundant, with no fear

i think of you and i can fly
i dream of us and ask not why
to you i give, land, sea, and sky

let's then walk thru city and wood
in familiar and foreign neighborhood
with love that's pure, brave and good

to meet your need, i will always try
for you to breathe, here take the sky
you have my heart, my soul, my eye

oh darling, i hope you understand
my love i give with no demand
you have my heart, please take my hand

my love, my darling, don't you see
let us forever and one day be
just us two, you and me

Aging...by james robert

Aging, like so many things
Has facets good and bad
Some reasons to be happy
Some reasons to be sad

Hopefully, aging brings
Greater wisdom
More patience
A sunnier point of view
Time for reflection
And doing many things
You've always wanted to do

Aging also presents
New challenges as well
Less hair in old places
More hair in new places
And at times you creak like hell

On balance I'd say
I'm really in a pickle son
With each passing day
I look more like Jack Nicholson


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/aging-2/#ixzz13aLZB9bF

heaven and hell

by james robert

i ache to know
the sound of your voice;
your touch,
your taste,
your smell

to greet but one sunrise
in your embrace,
i'd do the rest of my time in hell



again came they

by james robert

again came they with smiles feigned
and promises false
and hate


again came they bearing many gifts
saying the time is right
why wait


again came they on ship of state
to moor ever, and open
the gate


again came they on trojan horse
promising gift of cup
and plate


again came they to save the day
will we again swallow
the bait


again came they seeking your vote
to change everything
but fate
james robert
October 25,2010


A Walk On The Wild Side

by james robert

I was thristy and bored so I stopped
at a dive near the harbor for a drink.
"Gimme an Orange Crush with lots of ice
and leave the bottle, pal."

"First of all, I'm not your pal. Secondly,
we don't have ice. Thirdly, we don't serve
Orange Crush and finally, this is a laundromat.
I'm just a citizen here doing my laundry."

"Okay then make it a Coke and a bag of
Beer Nuts."

From that point on, everything gets real fuzzy.
All I remember is several older women, a few
young kids and the bartender, all kicking
my butt. That's why I stay away from the docks.

james robert
August 9, 2010


A switch in time saves 9; actually 10

by james robert

on Rocky Mountain oysters
i was Rocky Mountain high,
'til i realized that the bull,
couldn't give Elsie one more try.

while chewing on prairie oysters,
and reading handwriting on the walls,
i said," oh my God, what am i doing?",
but eatin the critter's balls!

starting now, i'll change my ways,
for i'm feeling mighty sad.
besides, eatin rice and veggies,
really ain't all that bad.

July 21, 2010


A Senior Moment

by james robert

We met quite by chance
At the old timers dance
Each in the autumn of our years

I was fearful of dancing
Rusty at romancing
But she dispelled most of my fears

I knew at a glance
That I'd give us a chance
With us there would be no tears

She had approached me first
Said she had quite a thirst
And that was music to my ears

At least that's what I thought
Until I watched as she bought
And chugged a sixer of beers


A perfect Fit

by james robert
she was a whore
from Ecuador
he more than once
a paramour

she was new to
the northern clime
he was a slime
but did his time

this was surely a match
that was made in heaven
or the liquor section
at Seven Eleven

while she reached for the Miller
he was reaching for the Lite
he said,"you come here often?"
she said,"oh no, just tonight."

he said," less filling"
while she said,"great taste"
to waste this great chance
would be a disgrace

they bought ten cases of beer
and way too much beef jerky
then headed north by northwest
in search of wild turkey
james robert
August 28, 2010


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/a-perfect-fit/#ixzz13ZeGeMhX

a lucky night

by james robert

while strolling after dark
somewhere near the zoo
i nearly stepped in a huge
smoldering pile of golden goo

i had a strong suspicion of the content
and 'tho i didn't get any on my shoe
i opted to perform some simple tests
as we scientists are want to do

i mashed some in my fingers
i sniffed some with my nose
i chewed the tiniest morsel
while managing to keep it off my clothes

my original suspicions
proved uncanny, but very true
thank God i didn't get this doggy dandy
on my old torn tennis shoe


A Lover's Tale

by james robert

For his favorites
He was long passed due
Bottle of red
Pot roast stew

She had planned a fine night
Since he had left her that morning
He now a no show
Not so much as a warning

Their nest lit only
By candlelight that eve
She purely waiting
Something up his sleve

He continued through the night
On his drunken excursions
Wreaking havoc
And casting aspersions

She bathed and perfumed
And at the ready
Sporting none other
Than his favorite red teddy

So as morning's first light
Found each lover's eye
She yet in tears
He wanting to die

Our love's duo
Then sprang up as one
White and sweating
As if shot from a gun

Half laughing thru tears
Together our team
As each found the exit
From the same bad dream


A Dubuque Puke

by james robert
There was a dizzy damned poet from Dubuque
Who suffered yet another ignominious rebuke
This cat wasn't sad, but he sure was mad
So he left his pad, and that's not all bad
As he ventured outside for a puke
Leslie Moorly
July 23, 2010


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/a-dubuque-puke/#ixzz13ZbcCaAX

A A ARF by james robert


old mother Hubbard
went to the cupboard
in search of her doggie's phone
while Fido was on
the phone with PETA
securing a K-9 loan

Leslie Moorly
July,2010


Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/a-a-arf/#ixzz13Zaixn7p

"You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat..."(2010 POETRY CONTEST)

by james robert
(HORROR & FANTASY FICTION)

on gossamer wings of heat treated steel
up comes the ice queen; so warm to the feel
let evil's trumpets then announce her ascent
with intentions malicious, focused, hell bent

as certain as her motives, come from that dark heart
unsuspecting souls will be ravaged, and torn apart
answering her elusive, seductive, ubiquitous call
none among these mere mortals will survive at all

again then the victor, one more notch on her belt
not one second of remorse, nor doubt ever felt
her voracious appetite; impossible to control
with victims ingested; body, mind and soul

her indomitable will she did so well assert
please let us know then her choice of dessert
she may have any pudding or for sure any pie
and if still a bit hungry, yet one more smallish guy


james robert
september 3, 2010


a bad millennium

by james robert

24/7 for a thousand years
and right away i'm gettin pissed
with all this madness goin on
must have been a memo i missed

i'm just having a bad millennium
i guess it could have been something i ate
i'm looking at the donut and not the hole
and hoping it will still turn out great

oh, a bad century or so i can handle
well, give or take a decade or two
but if there's nothin shakin real soon,
beam me up scotty, i gotta skadoo

james robert
October 15, 2010